


Fucking It Up

by Kissa



Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF, Playing It Cool (2014)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fix-it fic, Language, M/M, irresponsible behaviour, playing it cool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:22:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissa/pseuds/Kissa
Summary: After being pretty much done with frantically searching for love, the writer played by Chris Evans in Playing It Cool stays in Amsterdam where he makes some new friends. Can he tone down being a bag of dicktips enough to keep his new friends around?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place after things between Me and Her don't work out . He followed her to Europe and she left him there so he's in Amsterdam now. Face claim for MacLir: Sebastian Stan. Face claim for Vanessa: Sarah Gadon. Who am I kidding? This is Evanstan AU with a gorgeous woman in the mix. I don't know any of the real people taken as face claims for this story and this is in no way connected to them - this is a work of fiction centered on characters brought to life on screen and original characters I made up.

You know how everyone has a drug or a drink that’s their kryptonite? You can do fine and go all night no matter what you drink or smoke until that one thing shows up in front of you and then… bam, the film roll rips and you wake up with no recollection of the night before, although your friends have youtube evidence of what usually is only the biggest mistake of your life.   
  
I used to think I was above this, because I always successfully mixed drinks and the occasional Mary or Molly.   
  
But like… _bruuuh._  
  
See, I live in Amsterdam now. I followed Her (remember Her? “I’m willing to regret you for the rest of my life” Girl?) here and she dumped me for an art dealer with a yacht. I should be careful how I phrase my wishes.   
  
Still, I’m good. Totally not seeing a pattern of women I love pulling a Houdini on me. And totally not feeling progressively more FUBAR.  
  
But you know what? I stayed here because, of all the places to be dumped unceremoniously in, Amsterdam is full of things to do to bounce back. The people are generally nice, everyone speaks good English, the women are hot and carefree, the nice drugs are legal… the city is beautiful and pure fuel for a writer like me.  
  
The best part? After waking up alone to a handwritten goodbye note, I felt relieved. I also felt hollow and not OK, but there was also the perverse confirmation of what I knew already. _Hello darkness, my old friend._

I have the best ideas when I am in deep emotional distress. Guess who has a new book deal with a six figure on the contract? That’s right.  
  
But like I said, I am in a new city on a new continent, everything is exciting and new. So I picked myself up, unlike the last time. I’m getting good at this. I made some changes.  
  
Since this is Amsterdam, I don’t drive a car. I have a bicycle and there are trams and trains that take you literally everywhere you need to be super quickly. Not driving means not needing a cab or a designated driver when you go out. And I live in the heart of the city, everything of interest is reachable on foot.   
  
I was doing so good! I got back into the game and it was like I was on fire, European girls love me so much more enthusiastically than US ones. Perhaps it’s because the girls here are just as detached as I am about one night stands. I don’t know. It’s a bit disappointing. I used to feel a bit treasured when a girl I’d picked up the night before wanted to stick around and I shooed her away.   
  
Long story short, I went to a Tiesto gig in a club, I took a bit too much E, I had a blast  and came home.   
  
And I totally, I swear to God, fucked a guy. 

In my defense, he was gorgeous. I watched him wake up in the morning, his bed head adorably tousled, and when he looked at me, I pretended to be asleep, but totally kept watching him. I have long eyelashes, they help me look sound asleep while I watch someone from beneath them.  
  
Inside, I was buzzing. I had a good story for Scott the next time we met on Skype.   
  
The guy slid out of bed and groaned, going to the bathroom, peeing loudly and cursing in a language completely foreign to me, then showering and cautiously coming out of there already dressed, putting on his shoes and leaving without looking back. He had made himself presentable and he looked yummy.  
  
Hold the phone. What? I never thought about a guy in terms of yummy.   
  
I got out of bed and went to make coffee, realising I did not remember one thing about last night.   
  
My first and most likely only gay experience, and I go and fuck it up by being too stoned to remember.   
  
How did I pick him up? How did we end up at my place? Did he pick me up?   
  
_Shit._  
  
Did he fuck me?!

Did we even talk at all? Because I hadn’t been planning on sleeping with anyone… since I need to wait for a few things to clear up.  
  
All that fucking around was not without consequences. Multiple consequences.  
  
I went to the bathroom and looked into the full length mirror, turning around and examining my asshole. Everything seemed undisturbed. And I could not, for the life of me, see how anyone could fuck that, I mean I don’t manscape that part and you need to be really committed to finding it in all that shrubbery.

I had to find the guy and tell him to get tested.  
  
 _Fuck._  
  
I didn’t know anything about him. I just knew what he looked like while stoned and freshly woken up.

Who knows how many people he will fuck next and because of me, half of Amsterdam will have yeast… and chlamydia… and gonorrhea… by next week.   
  
Maybe I should take it easy, put my cock away until I really get clean and until I can find this guy.   
  
Looking around my home, I saw a black official-looking folder lying around on the floor, nearly all the way under my bed. I do all my business online, so it could only be his.

  
I grabbed it and opened it. Inside there were three DIN A4 quality pictures of him and a note that had an address and a time scribbled on it.   
  
I went online to see what was at that address. Oh. A theater.   
  
And judging by the shiny headshots, the pretty boy was an actor who most likely had an audition.  
  
The time on the note was half past noon.  
  
Plenty of time for me to track him down there and give him his stuff, then talk to him.   
  
I got dressed quickly and took my bicycle. I stopped on the way there to buy coffees and some puff pastry pockets because I was hungry and I didn’t want to be the only one eating while I talked to the guy.  
  
He looked so young and sweet… holy shit, what if he was underage too? Fuck I had to find him and talk to him.   
  
I spotted him on the grass in front of the theater entrance, pacing under a tree and talking to himself, most likely rehearsing lines.   
  
“Hey. It’s me, from last night,” I said. Not awkward at all, good job. “We need to talk. Also, you forgot these at my place, I figured you’d need them.”   
  
He looked up at me as though I had grown a second head next to the one I already had on my shoulders.

“You… you shouldn’t be here, look, I’m sorry about last night. But now is really not the time. It’s my turn soon and I cannot fuck this up.”   
  
“I’ll wait. Hey, have these. You wouldn’t want to pass out in there mid-audition.” I said and gave him the pastries and a coffee. “Look, I’m not stalking you, I swear. I just need to talk to you when you’re not stressed. Please?”   
  
“Fine. But it had better be good. Don’t tell me you fell in love with me.”

“ _Love is for children,_ ” I said, quoting a popular movie from a few years back. “It’s not love, I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: we’re dealing with the D-Bro from Playing It Cool here. So, STDs and his special brand of being a selfish dick.

“Good.” He said, biting into a pastry and pouring the coffee down his throat as if it wasn’t hotter than Hell’s central heating.   
  
A woman in a stern suit and with glasses on came out of the building and called out a name. 

“That’s me,” the guy said, standing and following the woman inside.   
  
I wished I had paid attention and remembered his name. 

There I was, having to wait for some actor guy to finish his audition before being able to tell him something that was super embarrassing even by my standards.   
  
It looked like one of those days when someone I’ve slept with and whose name I did not care to get is giving me a black eye.   
  


There are way too many days like these. But how am I supposed to remember stuff with my brain when all the blood is in my dick? How? People want too much from me.

This was going to be a long wait.  
  


***  
  
When he got out, about fifteen minutes later, he looked visibly relaxed and he was smiling.   
  
God he was cute. I’ve always been able to tell when another dude was good looking, since I am not blind, but this guy? He got to me despite the fact that my body didn’t remember him at all.  
  
I wished it did.   
  
“I got the part,” he said, joining me on the grass. “My name is Mac Lir Macrinici.”   
  
“Uh… come again? That’s a really complicated name, I never heard anything like that. Also, congrats.” I said. He was obviously neither Dutch, nor American, even though the accent could have fooled me. I told him my boring ass name in return.   
  
“I’m Romanian and my mom is a historian with a boner for Celtic myths. So my name is Mac Lir, which means “son of the sea” and Macrinici is our family name. People say I should change it if I want to get big as an actor.”   
  
“Why? It’s a great, unique name. It sets you apart. Don’t be another Chris,” I told him.   
  
“So, what was it you wanted to tell me that was important enough for you to chase me down across the city?”   
  
“Well…” I began and told him that I had received treatment for three various STD issues and I was not yet cleared.

His beautiful grey eyes widened and he burst into soft laughter.  
  
“Oh. We didn’t fuck, relax. You were all over some chick at the bar and I saw her slip you something in your drink. I couldn’t stop you from drinking it though so I made a scene, I pretended to be your boyfriend and got you out. I pickpocketed you for your phone and brought you home.”  
  
“But we were naked in the morning,” I said, unconvinced.   
  
“Does your ass feel strange?” Mac Lir asked.  
  
“Mmmm.. no?”   
  
“Mine neither, so calm your anus, you are still straight.” He said, somewhat disdainfully. “I just took off my clothes so I wouldn’t stink at the audition. You undressed during the night and got super clingy. I guess whatever she gave you worked and made you very willing.”

  
Wow, I dodged a bullet there. I had no idea chicks roofied guys too. But I guess I should show some gratitude. This guy saved my ass (even literally!) and in return I most likely gave him some of my STDs, if not all. Because let’s not be delusional here: he said I was clingy and I did wake up half on top of him so our cocks definitely touched. So, by the rules, it was gay.   
  
“Thanks, Mac Lir. Few guys would have done what you did for a stranger.” I said.   
  
“A hot, obviously new here stranger,” he added, watching my lips as he said the words.   
  
So the feeling is mutual.   
  
I swear I have never felt the slightest sexual twitch for a guy… until this asshole. He’s so beautiful it makes me panic a bit.

The thing is, he’s more beautiful than any man *or* woman I’ve ever met. He must be drowning in ass offers. He strikes me as gay, he’s too soft and laid back to be a bro. Or maybe he’s just European. I don’t know anymore.  
  
I just know that I don’t want to tear myself away from him.   
  
“So, have lunch with me, as thank you for rescuing me last night? And to celebrate your getting the part?” I heard myself say.   
  
“Uh… I really shouldn’t… but alright.” He said, smiling disarmingly and looking away.  
  
“Why shouldn’t you?” I asked. “I know I must seem super dodgy to you, but…”

“You don’t seem dodgy. You just look like trouble, possibly heartache.” He said. “But let’s go.”

We were the same height and, now that we got to talk a little, I found out Mac Lir was only one year younger than me. It still didn’t change the fact that I felt protective of him and mentally referred to him as “kid”.   
  
I took him to a real restaurant, one with fancy menus and a nice terrace dining area on the river bank. He was lovely about it, and only calmed down about splitting the bill when I promised him I would drop by his place and have dinner the next day.   
  
Once he gave me directions to his place and we exchanged phone numbers, we parted ways and I returned home, starting to write.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me being Me and an emotional leech

I was prolific as hell, managing to churn out three chapters in a very short time. Usually I get a chapter done in two days, so it was a big thing.

I spoke to Scott on Skype in the evening and I told him I woke up with a gorgeous guy in my bed and he couldn’t stop laughing for a long time. He stopped laughing when I showed him Mac Lir’s online actor profile with pics.

  
“I can’t believe your aggressively straight ass scored the biggest cutie I’ve ever seen. If you hurt him or treat him badly I swear I will… I will be very sad.”

“Whoa, beast man, no need to dangle the promise of repercussions over my head.” I told him. “We didn’t do anything, he just brought me home and had a nap in my bed. I am still straight. Maybe not “aggressively”, I’m working on that. But hey, you should come over and stay a few days. It’ll be like a laid back, carefree holiday.”

“It would be great. I miss you, man. But I’ve got a job now, writing for a series on Comedy Central and I can’t leave mid-season.”

  
“Oh wow, congratulations.” I said, realising I had been too busy telling him my shit and had forgotten to ask him how he was doing.   
  
Typical of me.

I then asked about the others. Everyone was doing great now that I was gone. I can’t say it was a surprise, but it still stung. I still wanted that “it feels so empty without me!” feeling, though I had done nothing towards earning it.

The next day, I really made an effort and gave at least half a fuck more than usual. I didn’t know who else was going to be at Mac Lir’s house so I showered, I trimmed my beard, slapped on some of the nice fragrance I keep around for dates with high stakes and put on something else than a hoodie with burger sauce stains on it and track pants. This time it was navy casual suit trousers, an off-white button-up and a chocolate shawl collar cardigan. I do have nice clothes, and I do clean up pretty well; I just don’t give enough of a fuck to do it, usually.

Turns out I was right, dinner at Mac Lir’s place turned out to be a crowd bath. His friends were there and everyone was helping with dinner. He was actually making a three course plus dessert meal, and it was all fancy as hell, so I was glad I had brought out the good clothes. There was bruschetta, there were canapes, there was veggie lasagna and mushroom risotto and stuffed courgette flowers. We had Aperol Spritz and he played Cuban music while we helped with cooking and everything felt surreal, like a high-end rum commercial where everyone is young and attractive and has super clear, dewy skin.

And Mac Lir… holy fuck did he look dashing. He was wearing biker boots, skinny black jeans and a printed white tee that was a bit tight across the chest and in the sleeves. He has amazing arms.

[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/1f81515c7667931fed008dd1731fcb80/tumblr_inline_odgd8mSc1k1qffae2_500.jpg)

  
When he handed me a new glass of Aperol, I noticed the many silver rings he was wearing. My throat narrowed and my mouth went dry. He has such beautiful hands.   
  
“You look amazing, by the way,” he said, giving me a slow once-over. He stood there, looking at me with half a smile and a raised eyebrow until I realised I had been standing there just looking at him, bovine.

“Fuck… I mean, thanks,” I said, eons later, making it all awkward.  
  
“Are you having a good time?” He asked me, gesturing to the others.   
  
“They are an OK bunch, I don’t know them that well yet.” Also, with him around, I barely noticed them.  
  
Do you hear what I’m saying?! I sound like a schoolgirl with the corniest crush ever.   
  
Our “moment” ended when the doorbell rang and Mac Lir rushed to the door.   
  
I followed him, curious to see who it was and Mac Lir let in the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She smiled and greeted him in another language and then they kissed, a lingering, sweet kiss with no tongue, but they both had their eyes closed and their arms tightened around each other.   
  
Mac Lir made the introductions. Her name was Vanessa, she was Romanian like him… and his girlfriend. The detail never ceases to amaze me, as I filed Mac Lir away as gay already and seeing him kiss a girl still didn’t change my gut feeling.   
  
Also, I’m jealous? 

Fuck me, I’m done. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero stars to have twitches in his chest cavity. It's almost... like there's a heart in there.

Weeks passed and turned into months and soon I was leaving the doctor’s office with a clean bill of health and a stern warning.   
  
Vanessa had added me on facebook and I saw she posts a lot of things from work. She’s a photographer, mainly product and food, but she does portraits too. I went to her website to see a series of very tasteful and hot nudes.   
  
There were a few photos there of him, asleep, naked under an artfully bunched sheet.   
  
Oh how I craved. 

In the darkness of my chaotic office, I was not ashamed of my feelings and I no longer questioned why I wanted him. I just did and I always found my desires worth pursuing.  
  
Mac Lir and I texted a lot and I found out he has no threshold for “too many emojis”, loves to curse and is a movie and theater quotes jukebox.

 _Hey, you awake? Go to this singer’s Vevo to see the video I did. You were there when I auditioned_ , Mac Lir texted me.   
  
The girl I was balls deep in didn’t take kindly to my grabbing my phone and reading the text mid-coitus.   
  
Long story short, I got punched in the dick and she left in a sonic boom of expletives. My neighbours picked up where she left off, fed up with how loud and graphic my overnight tenants were.

 _How do you nurse a dick injury?_ I texted Mac Lir back, while going to Vevo and watching.  
  
 _What kind of injury? A sore? Maybe you have syphilis too. Gotta catch’em all is only for Pokemon, you know?_

_Ouch. I had that coming. I took a punch. Watching now. You alright?_

_Yeah, Vanessa and I both got tested; we’re clean. We’ve been busy. Tell me what you think._

The video was nineteen minutes long, one of those modern concept videos that usually annoy me.   
  
Mac Lir was the singer’s hot as hell but emotionally unavailable boyfriend and my cock was in my hands even before it became apparent the video had a sex scene as well. A long, fucking hot one and I could tell exactly how hot since I was reaching for the wet wipes even before the song ended.   
  
Then I realised the song was about men like me and I had a moment of embarrassing revelation with my dick out and my ego in tatters. That was it, right there, I was the real life guy Mac Lir was playing on screen, the shithead who only ever takes and never gives any of the nice things because it feels like a personal loss to him.

Ugh. And had I just jacked off to that?   
  
No. Come on! I totally, surely did not. I was watching for Mac Lir and his sinful lips.

Shiiiiit.  
  
There’s no version of this in which I look good. I haven’t jerked off to a music video since the 1990s, when MTV was at the top of the cool wave.   
  
I don’t like what this says about me.  
  
***  
  
A few days later I ran into Vanessa at a farmer’s market. She looked like a movie star, straight out of a Fellini movie.   
  
I put on the usual charms and I fully expected them to work, already picturing us fucking frantically behind the bubble tea stand.

None of it worked.   
  
She seemed oblivious to my subtle and not-so-subtle hints and somehow I ended up following her to a cafe, where she bought us hot chocolates and told me what she couldn’t while Mac Lir was around.

“Look, I know you’re attracted to Mac Lir. Everyone is. But I am not letting you fuck my best friend up just because you have an infatuation. He’s not a toy. In fact, people are not toys and just because someone hurt you, you don’t get to permanently act like an unapologetic douchebag.” 

[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/cddc944ee0f4b4074560ed8558ba2524/tumblr_inline_odi8i8i4rZ1qffae2_1280.jpg)

  
“Wow, you know me so well,” I said. I honestly came out here to have fun and I am feeling so attacked right now.   
  
“Well you’re building a reputation around here as the guy who’ll give you an experience package of three to five orgasms and a serving of crabs, all for the small cost of one night of your time, your dignity and your health.” She did a pretty good job at acting that out in a good impression of a telemarketer’s forcedly enthusiastic voice.   
  
“I did not give anyone crabs!” I said in protest. Did I? Even if I did, wow, that is not so bad, is it? Just shave that shit and the critters will move on. I’d rather focus on the three to five orgasms. Few guys can say they can even stay awake for that long, let alone perform at that level. “Pubic lice are going extinct because people shave their junk.”   
  
“Everything is so romantic with you.” She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Look. I don’t care. You clean up fantastically well, but that’s not who you are. I’m not asking you to change, I am asking you to leave Mac Lir alone. He doesn’t deserve you taking a shit in his heart because you get off on replicating a payback scenario. Solve your issues, and then meet with others.”  
  
“But I know no one in this town except for you and Mac Lir.” I said, pouting.   
  
“That’s another thing you’ll have to get used to. No one is responsible for how you feel. No one has to come running when you call because you’re lonely. Fix. Your. Self.”  
  
She left, having paid for our drinks and exchanging some words in Dutch with the girl behind the counter.   
  
I left there almost crying. Even the cafe waitress girl, who was wearing an apron and who was about to finish her shift, wouldn’t fuck me. What did Vanessa do to me?!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: It’s my theory that Me’s unaddressed pain turned into depression over the years. My clues were the avoidance patterns (he refused to eat Captain Crunch because it was associated with the worst moment of his life, refused to even give love a shot because he “knew” it would be wrenched from him). When Her walked out on him, it only confirmed his darkest fears and ideas. But he’s been functional , even if just barely, and he accepted help when it was offered so let’s show him some love!

The next week, I was lying in bed on Friday morning, contemplating what I should spend my limited energy on: a shower or making food. The kitchen was a mess. I was well aware of having to clean, but who for? I was obviously sailing by just fine and I was not the fashionable Mr. Macrinici, whose home looked like straight out of an interior decorations magazine. Maybe he had time to clean, maybe he was paying someone to do it for him. At any rate, I could not compete with that.

  
I decided for the shower, because I could smell myself and food wasn’t that urgent.

I had just finished in the bathroom when my doorbell rang.   
  
Who the hell could it be at this time in the day? I put on my bath robe and went to open. 

[](http://67.media.tumblr.com/13a67542eeb128744344479c35be0425/tumblr_od0mq5HWb01uo85qxo1_250.gif)

[Originally posted by weheartchrisevans](https://tmblr.co/Z4C7Hl2Bh5HUp)

  
In my doorway stood Mac Lir and Vanessa, both in sports clothes.   
  
“Hi, I’ve had second thoughts.” Vanessa said. “You shouldn’t be denied friendship because you’re not at your Hollywood best now. But you still have to do the work of pulling yourself out of the swamp.”   
  
I let them in.  
  
“I told you the place is super nice, if he would only clean. Like this, it’s a shithole.” Mac Lir commented, looking at my copy of Tom of Finland’s _XXL_ , in which I had placed a sock as a bookmark. It was a _used_ sock that had never gone on any of my feet. 

  
He looked amazingly elegant even in sports clothes. Vanessa was a queen, straight out of a high-end perfume commercial. And there was me, in a barely closed bath robe, my chest hair sticking out and up in unsightly clumps.   
  
Without much input from me, they propped the door open and Mac Lir went outside, dragging in a basket of cleaning products.

Soon, all of my old stuff was in labeled, plastic bags, the floors were cleaned and the huge pile of recyclable paper and plastic was sorted out and taken by Mac Lir to hang in the designated spot behind the building, where a truck came to pick up people’s recycling.

Meanwhile, I got dressed, not wanting to accidentally give them a free show. I was way happier observing them, wondering if this was what love really looked like.  
  
These two gorgeous, gorgeous people were in my house, cleaning like it was the most normal thing in the world. I saw Mac Lir get on his knees on my bedroom floor and halfway crawl under my bed to fish out all the shit that had been gathering there, almost making my bed hover. Some of those scary double-ended bugs scurried away when he moved all the clothes, socks and takeout boxes I had thrown under there since moving in. Once the floor under my bed was sparkling clean and smelling of the citrusy aroma of wood floor wax wash, Mac Lir stood, dusted himself off and gave me the most disgusted look ever, which wordlessly said “what the fuck, man”.   
  
I know! I KNOW! I have nothing to say in my defense.

I took a hit when she walked out on me and while I told myself this was OK, this was business as usual when it comes to women I make the stupid mistake of loving and me, the ugly truth is I’m not OK. I haven’t been OK in a long time and nothing filled that putrid-smelling dark void – not the endless sex, not my artful lying to myself that I was finally in love, not the drugs.  
  
I guess I looked really lost and about to collapse or something, because soon Vanessa came to wrap her arms around me from one side, having a short exchange of looks with Mac Lir which made him drop what he was doing and come hug me from the other side. 

  
I’m not going to lie. It helped. It also made me tear up, and when Vanessa’s small hand rested on my chest and rubbed gently, the tears ran down my face.   
  
Mac Lir actually kissed my cheek, because he could reach. Vanessa was small and she tucked her head under my chin, tightening her hold.

They stood there, cocooning me for as long as my funk lasted and they let go of me as soon as I stirred, needing the space.   
  
They went back to cleaning and asking me about the fate of various dirty items, whether they went into the washing pile or the trash pile, again, like it was no big deal. It was around this time that I got really self-conscious and ashamed and asked them to stop and leave the rest to me.   
  
“Nope, this is a top-to-bottom job,” Mac Lir pointed out. “But you’re free to buy or make us dinner.”

That, I could do, so I quickly threw on a hoodie and went to the nearby grocery store to buy some fresh fruit and veg.   
  
I can cook. I am pretty good at it too, because Granddad taught me a lot and he taught me well. But most of the time I don’t bother. Not if it’s just me.   
  
This time though, I had the time and the room to cook a three-course meal. I made a nice fresh salad, packed with leafy greens and colourful veg and with a balsamic dressing; grilled veggies- and sundried tomato-pasta and Swedish-style oat-cookies for dessert. And a jug of freshly pressed lemonade. It was a delight to cook in the now sparkling clean kitchen, and, not to be an asshole, I cleaned after myself right away, leaving the kitchen just as clean and inviting as Mac Lir and Vanessa had left it for me to use. This wasn’t hard at all, because I was doing it for their sake, not for mine.   
  
Still.   
  
Points for me; hooray for fresh, healthy and yummy Italian food. I hope you’re seeing this, Granddad.

We ate on my balcony, which, now clutter-free, is a lovely terrace with a sun-shade where I could finally unfold the deck table and four chairs I had lying in a corner. They’re a nice IKEA ensemble in white, which I bought months ago with the intention to make better use of my balcony, but my energy ran out after assembling them.   
  
Mac Lir and Vanessa had brushed off the dead leaves and dust and given the table and chairs a wipe-down and now they were sparkling like new.   
  
Our meal was amazing and they wouldn’t stop praising the food and my cooking skills. I just told them these were easy go-to recipes I knew from Granddad.   
  
At the end of the meal, we had some rosé sparkling wine, something very light and delicate which was the perfect topping to our nice dinner.   
  
Mac Lir chose that moment to address the state of things.   
  
“Look, we’re both attracted to you. I know I am. But it would be douchey to take advantage of you when you’re having a hard time. I don’t know how you ended up all alone in a foreign city half a world away from your home. But it shouldn’t matter. Starting over is hard no matter where you do it; I should know. So, um, let’s hang out and be friends?”   
  
Vanessa nodded at her boyfriend’s words and spoke too, when he was done.  
  
“Back at the cafe, once I left, I realised I had seen the signs somewhere else. Mac Lir was like this when we met. And trust me, no outside circumstances, no matter how favourable, make it easy to get up from feeling like this. Not being alone helps tremendously. So we’re offering you this, not having to do stuff alone. It’s up to you if it evolves into more. But…” she trailed off, looking at Mac Lir, who took over from her:

“Be honest with us. You can be an asshole all you want, you can say no and sit in a corner and make mean mental notes about people instead of being social, whatever, but don’t lie to us. And, for your own sake, don’t lie to people in general. It leads only to short-lived happiness.”   
  
“Seems fair. I guess you’ve seen my darkest secret. I’m not OK. My world as I knew it fell apart and I don’t know when I’ll be OK.” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. They were things I didn’t have the audacity to even think, in the privacy of my mind.

“That’s fine. And hey, don’t feel like you need to reciprocate with equivalent gestures; we throw big parties, give expensive gifts and participate in fun, often publicised events. You don’t have to take part just because we do. But if you feel like joining in, you’re always welcome.” Vanessa said.   
  
I nodded.

“I’m entering an amateur baking competition, the pre-selection is this Saturday. You’re free to join me,” Mac Lir said.   
  
I had to remind myself that this was Europe and it wouldn’t be “gay” of me to be seen baking on national television. Besides, women are suckers for a guy who can bake.

So I said yes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boy gets around. He maybe crusty on the inside, but his charms are still working!

I never expected to have so much fun on that Saturday. Surprisingly, I got picked to be on the show, as did Mac Lir.   
  
Fuck.   
  
I had no idea what I was embarking on. 

After 12 weeks, I found myself crimping the edges of fondant petals to add the finishing touches to a three-tier cake on which I had added forest-themed fondant details: dead leaves, fly agaric mushrooms, a couple of rice crispie- and sugarpaste-squirrels and a cabin in the woods sort of construction at the top. It helps to be a writer and have a massive imagination, I guess.   
  
Mac Lir was in the finals with me and an older stay-at-home mom of twins.   
  
Mac Lir’s cake was bigger than mine, perhaps with not as many details, but lovely nonetheless. He made an urban scene from Amsterdam with lights, a river of blue jello, bicycles, bridges and flowers.   
  
The mom made a baby-themed cake with pastel fondant and sugarpaste twins in a cradle at the top.   
  
And to my utter surprise, after dragging the announcement for what seemed like forever, the hosts of the show called my name as the winner. Mac Lir came in second.   
  
I panicked. I was so not expecting to win? I never thought I would be competition-level good at anything (which is why I chose to be a writer in the first place). But now, here I was, at least five different cameras pointed at me.  
  
Mac Lir looked deliriously happy, his eyes were sparkling and he was smiling so brightly, you’d have thought he had won.   
  
So I did what I always do in moments like these, I let the part of me that screams “YOLO!” take the wheel.   
  
And I kissed Mac Lir live on national television.

His body was soft and willing as he glued himself to my front and rested a hand on my collarbone. His lips were so soft and warm and they opened for me right away. We kissed for a pretty long time, although I kept it light and with no tongue. But damn, did it feel good. He’s so disarmingly beautiful and he makes me want to treat him right, whether we’re lovers or not.  
  
What a douchey thing to think and feel. It implies that, if my dick and heart found him any less compelling, it would somehow be OK to be less than nice to him. But I caught myself and realised this was why I was a dick to women ever since my mom walked out on me.   
  
I had this points system and if no sparks happened, if there was no consensus between upstairs and downstairs, she’d be dismissed in a scene. My sex- and love-life was a casting show à la America’s Next Top Model, only no one could win at the end.   
I had thought She would be the one I would finally have a photo for, but she wasn’t interested in having it.   
  
So here I was, coming back into the present moment so I could enjoy some of it.

Suddenly, everyone liked me and wanted to do interviews and photo shoots with me. I was awarded a cookbook deal, as apart of the prize for winning the show. The hundred grand after taxes that came with the win wasn’t bad either.   
  
I deflected most of the attention onto Mac Lir, pointing out what a good actor he is and how it’s a joy to have him around. Everyone had seen the kiss after the verdict, but I guess they assumed I was just putting on a show because it was a known fact that Mac Lir and I were friends even before the show. And the Dutch audience is probably not as obsessed with people’s sexuality as we are in the States… I think. Whatever, the main thing was that neither Mac Lir nor I got any shit. Everyone was super nice.   
  
The niche fame brought on by the TV show win was nice to deal with as well. No one crowded or stalked me on the streets, no one walked up to my table when I was dining out with Vanessa and Mac Lir, people were just very nice and respectful.

The only thing I didn’t like was that now I was very popular among the home baking elite. You know the type. Stay at home moms, grandmas, single, aging women… some of them were very bold and touched me inappropriately (read: grabbed my ass or junk) when we would squeeze close for a photograph.   
  
Luckily, clubs are very dark and the colourful, disco lights distract from a lot of details, which meant I could still pick up students and tourists very easily.

Only problem was, I was slowly growing out of that. I began by being way more responsible and never sleeping with someone while drunk or high. I stopped bullshitting my way into women’s pants. I still scored chicks, even without the sugary lies.   
  
And if I was honest with myself, my sex drive wasn’t so imperative and overwhelming. The big black void I had been patching up with one night stands was slowly closing up. I now had places to show up to and dress nice for. I had people calling me and wanting to hang out. I had gained a few relaxed friendships; I was a regular at Mac Lir’s and Vanessa’s place. We had fun.  
  
I felt like I belonged somewhere without the obligation to report to someone. I knew that I would be missed if I didn’t respond to a couple texts in a row.   
  
Mac Lir and Vanessa clearing my place had such a deep impact; it was unexpected. I began tidying up more often and developed a taste for comfortable things. I started to get how colours work together. The place looked more like a home and not like a truckstop bathroom these days.   
  
A TV crew even came and filmed an episode of their “Cribs”-like show at my place and I loved how it turned out.   
  
Mac Lir asked me to join him at the gym. He had to get ripped for a part and he needed a workout buddy for accountability. I hate working out, but I love hanging out with him, so I said yes. Because of him, I now love working out too. Sometimes we leave the lifting room and go over to the studio where Vanessa attends yoga class, joining her. 

[](http://67.media.tumblr.com/78fefffa94db2330c6b75eed5df7a199/tumblr_inline_odm045wUCL1qffae2_1280.jpg)   
[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/95e9baee2802072d902c5c90f6ac60ac/tumblr_inline_odlzzqGI4U1qffae2_500.jpg)

This is still me, the guy who wasn’t good at yoga and who believed his body doesn’t bend that way… well, I surprised myself greatly! My flexibility and overall fitness improved exponentially. 

I also fucked the yoga instructor. She’s a 45-year old Dutch woman, androgynous looking, strong like a bull and looking a lot younger than her actual age. It definitely fooled me. I stayed after class once and took a very long shower. She came to find me and watched me unashamedly as I rubbed shower gel all over myself. I gave her a show, smiling at her. I was down for this, so so down.

Don’t tell anyone, but she taught me some new positions. I fucked her while she was standing on her hands, her feet on my shoulders. We even did a modified Chris Evans Bicep Flex. As you can imagine, it was very pleasurable even without the bicep flex part. 

[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/eca4e004d2c016a46eed9a668ab6ec36/tumblr_inline_odnnpbDE1l1qffae2_500.gif)

And the nicest part was that things were exactly like before, except we now knew what we looked like naked and we’d seen each other’s O-faces. A+, 10 out of 10 would bang again.

She didn’t approach me again, but Mac Lir and Vanessa did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, angst happens! Things, excitement, controversy.

We were in the sauna after a particularly gruelling workout. They were, as usual, attached at the hip, sitting on one bench and whispering to each other while I was chilling on the same level bench on the other side of the sauna.   
  
Then they both looked at me and I knew what followed.   
  
Sort of. It exceeded even my wildest fantasies. 

  
Vanessa is dirtier than her angelic features promise. She let me fuck her while Mac Lir fucked her ass. Then she wanted us both in her pussy, which… hello. First time for everything. It turned me on like mad and it was made better by Mac Lir leaning over Vanessa’s shoulder and kissing me. I came right away like a teenager. And because I am not 100% selfish, I still got her off with my fingers while she sucked Mac Lir off.

Holy shit, these two look so good together. Like… they do the dirtiest stuff ever and make it look like innocent angels prancing on the meadows of heaven.

***  
  
A few days later, I was at their place watching a movie with them and Vanessa was talking during the movie. Mac Lir asked her to please stop for a bit so he could hear Ryan Reynolds’ line.   
  
“Fuck you, peasant.” She told him.   
  
“Rude,” came his comment and he got up with calculated moves, like a cat having cornered a mouse, about to pounce. I was mesmerised by his sudden transformation.  

Vanessa smiled defiantly at him and  nodded, and next thing I knew, he was backhanding her. The sound reverberated, loud against the walls of their living room and before I processed it all, she was pinned to the door by his arm on her front and his hand tight around her neck and Mac Lir was fucking her roughly, clothes still on and everything.   
  
I made a startled sound that came out neither manly, nor dignified. It felt as though I was getting fucked like that, and I couldn’t look away. A part of me was screaming at me to fuck off and leave them their privacy, but another part knew the show was for me and refused to act surprised.  
  
Damn, they were hot.   
  
The sweet and soft Mac Lir was now a lithe beast, using his considerably larger body mass to physically dominate Vanessa, who was making the most arousing sounds I’ve ever heard from a woman. She still had that defiant look in her eyes and she was scratching his back unrestrainedly.   
  
This time they made it quick and dirty, grunting and yowling like cats in heat. I realised Mac Lir wasn’t wearing a condom and it made a few questions arise in my mind about their relationship. Maybe Vanessa was using pills? They hadn’t made me wear a condom either. Mad props to the two of them. But yeah. I hadn’t fucked around much. And the yoga instructor had insisted on me “putting Billy on the willy” (her phrasing, not mine).  
  


When they were done, Mac Lir set Vanessa down gently and nuzzled her face.   
  
“How did I do? Did you enjoy yourself babe?” He whispered, loud enough for me to hear.   
  
“It was amazing. YOU are amazing. Let’s get clean before our guest feels neglected.”  
  
Well, I was not feeling neglected, and I became aware of the havoc in my own pants. I was never more grateful for the fact that Mac Lir’s home had two bathrooms as I went and furiously rubbed one out in the guest loo, cleaning myself up with the aloe wipes I found there. I came *so* fast, replaying the events from mere minutes ago in my mind.   
  
Once I was able to think clearly and sorted myself, I washed my hands and joined my two beautiful and naughty friends in the living room. It was clear to me they had put on that little show to prove to me that being in a loving relationship did not mean the death of passion and amazing sex.

I’m still not convinced there’s someone out there for me. I’m too bitter and got burnt too many times. I’ve been working on my cynicism and misanthropy, but even so…  
  
Maybe I should stop clinging to the idea of The One?   
  
***  
  
My commitments as the winner of that baking show took over my life for a while and I got lost in them, having to travel all over the country and attend book signings, fan meetings, the casting for the new season and other events.   
  
I only saw Mac Lir and Vanessa sporadically **.**  
  
***  
  
I was enjoying my first full week at home in a long time when I got a call from Mac Lir. He was a mess on the phone and he asked to talk to me in person.   
  
I told him to come over and in less than half an hour, I had my arms full of sobbing Mac Lir.   
  
When he calmed down enough to be intelligible, he was able to tell me why he was such a mess.   
  
“Vanessa is pregnant! We don’t know if it’s yours or mine, but she also said it’s not our business what she does from now on… You have to help me, talk to her and persuade her not to kill the baby!” 

[](http://67.media.tumblr.com/5b2c908fc4147cf2323f6661afebddbf/tumblr_occawybo851tta8m3o1_500.gif)

[Originally posted by europa51](https://tmblr.co/ZD83Lo2B7npdu)

  
“How far along is she? She can’t be more than… what? One month along?” I asked.   
  
“Yeah, it’s almost two months.” Mac Lir said. “I am not ready to be a dad, but if this is how things are lining up… “  
  
“But what about Vanessa? She’s going to have to be pregnant and give birth. We only contributed in the fun stage.”   
  
“But don’t all women and girls want to have babies?”   
  
“I don’t know! I’m not a woman. And I’m the worst person for the dad position. I am only now starting to take better care of myself and it’s hard as fuck.”  
  
“I don’t know if I can still love her if she kills the baby!”   
  
“Look, Mac Lir. Don’t be a creep. I can’t even believe I am the one saying this, but it’s her decision, you have to be supportive and deal with it as best as you can. My mom gave birth to me and then had no qualms about walking out on me. You can’t ask a woman to have a child if she doesn’t want one at the time.”   
  
“You say this like you’re above all this. But what if it’s yours?!”  

[](http://65.media.tumblr.com/1b74a058be865be5ffd6df2646ccc7bb/tumblr_njjyooJnTt1tnpfs2o3_500.gif)

[Originally posted by cptnstevens](https://tmblr.co/ZUfMzo1dG9DC1)


	8. Chapter 8

“I literally just told you I am not ready or willing to be a dad right now. And I am not Vanessa’s boyfriend so if it was my baby and she had the abortion, I wouldn’t feel like I get a say.”   
  
“Seriously, you are the biggest misogynist I know. I thought you’d feel strongly against her plans. How can you be so detached on this issue? It’s about murdering a person!”  
  
“It’s not a person for fuck’s sake, it’s a bundle of cells. Also, it’s unborn and it’s living off of Vanessa’s body. You would ask Vanessa to sacrifice her life because your immature ass can’t deal with the realities of being human? Why don’t you wait and talk to her instead? Maybe she’ll participate in your _folie à deux_ and have the baby for your sake. Just leave me the hell out of this.”  
  
“Fine!” Mac Lir spat. “I thought that underneath the shit you that I met was a decent person, but it turns out that under that decent person is an even bigger shit! I regret every fucking thing I shared with you!” 

  
He then stormed out of my place like a bat out of hell.

  
I texted Vanessa.  
  
 _Hey. I know. Mac Lir is off the chain. He just fired me as his friend._  
  
 _So how do you feel?_ She replied.   
  
_Neutral. Do what you feel is right. It’s your body and your life._

 _Wow. I’m impressed,_ she wrote. _Look, this is not easy. It weighs on me, but I have to._

_Whatever you need to do. No judgment from your local STD guy._

_Will you come with me? I wish I could ask my boyfriend, but…_

_Sure._

I was expecting the usual from back home: angry protesters with gruesome pictures and waving Bibles aggressively, trying to intimidate the patients and harm the staff. It was nothing like it.  
  
A couple of days later, I met Vanessa in town and we walked to her doctor’s office. The doctor explained the procedure, it was a pill she had to take. We did not have to go to a special clinic and none of the unpleasant aspects I had experienced in the US were present. (Yes, I did have to pay for a couple of abortions back home, and drive the women to clinics. I’m a gentleman like that.)  
  
We were given a few minutes alone and Vanessa turned to me.  
  
“It’s yours. Mac Lir used to be a cocaine user and it left him infertile. He denies it, but I saw the medical records. I guess he’s just really desperate for a baby and he… he likes you enough to… choose you. God this is hard.”   
  
Fuck me; I can’t. I got what she meant, but it didn’t make it any easier.  
  
I felt used and lied to. But then again, how I treated other people all my life was bound to come back to me.  
  
I couldn’t bring myself to hate Mac Lir for lying to me. All that drama back at my apartment was for him, not for me.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked Vanessa.   
  
“Yes. Mac Lir and I don’t have the perfect relationship; there is much to fix or throw away. I don’t want children now. Our careers are just taking off and we’ve worked so hard to get here. I don’t want to have a baby and resent it because I had to give myself up to raise another person. Also, I don’t like babies and I should not be entrusted with one.”  
  
“Will you and Mac Lir be alright? Will this break you apart?” I asked.   
  
“I don’t know. It’s going to force Mac Lir to look at his priorities in life. If he wants to breed now-now, right away, he has to find someone who wants to be a mom. But he himself is not eager to be a dad, he is just feeling the pressure because many of our friends have kids and… see, we’re both Romanian, we come from a very traditional culture where the concept of family planning doesn’t exist. People just fuck and say “God sent them a baby” when the woman gets pregnant. Doesn’t matter if you’re dirt poor and cannot offer the child a good life, doesn’t matter if you were raped and didn’t want the baby, it’s all about God’s shit or brilliant timing. Mac Lir is just following the script. I should have never told him I was pregnant. But I thought… I thought that after all these years living in another culture, he opened up and can see that we CAN decide our lives and not just sit around waiting to be fucked in the ass by fate. I was also stupid to think he would choose me over someone he never met and who has nothing to lose by not being born now.”   
  
“So he’ll be fine after a while?”  
  
“Again, I don’t know and I don’t care. He’s my boyfriend and he has said some pretty big words to me regarding the future. Instead of shitting his pants wondering what the village priest and the grapevine are going to say, he should be supporting me. Or at least be honest with himself.”   
  
A nurse came in and brought the pill and water.   
  
Without hesitation, Vanessa took the pill and it was done.   
  
I felt no different than before. Vanessa was my friend and sometimes a little bit more. A baby was not going to magically turn us into new, different people and solve all our existing issues.   
  
I guess Mac Lir has to find himself another sperm donor and another girlfriend. He could have asked me openly and I would have most likely said yes, if he and Vanessa had been on the same page.   
  
I took Vanessa out to lunch and we ate at a nice bistro downtown.   
  
A girlfriend spotted her and came over, they hugged and she thanked me for everything, leaving with the friend.   
  
And that’s the story of how I almost ended up a dad (again).   
  
I don’t exclude it happening one day, if it feels right. But that night I went to bed feeling relieved.

***  
  
The next week, Mac Lir came by, looking somewhat less put together than usual and his voice sounding subdued. He wanted to apologise for the things he’d said to me and for how much and how harshly he had insulted me. He came clean about the lie, even though I didn’t confront him about it.   
  
I should be pissed off at him and never talk to him again. Their condition to me was never to lie to them, and then Mac Lir goes and pulls this fucking stunt.   
  
But… they’re my dysfunctional little family and I no longer imagine life without them.   
  
So I forgave Mac Lir and let him know, but I also told that lying to me and treating Vanessa like shit were both massive dick moves. He agreed.   
  
I advised him to go to Vanessa and work on fixing things with her, and then come to me if they still wanted me around.

It took less than a month for them to show up on my doorstep, holding hands. No big words were needed. They had bought groceries and they wanted to do things with me again.  
  
As we ate what I had cooked, Vanessa had the idea of shooting a series of artistic nudes with Mac Lir and me. We had both become pretty swole lately, because guilt (on his part) and powerless waiting around (on my part) had sent us running to the gym almost daily.

The shoot was by far the most beautiful and the most erotic thing I’ve ever been a part of.   
  
We stripped and a make-up artist applied concealer to the parts we wanted looking nice in the pics. Vanessa then came and instructed her where to apply the body shimmer, based on her lighting set-up. She had rented a professional studio in a repurposed industrial building.   
  
One could argue that the poses and the narrative of the images were gay as hell. But the end result was out of this world beautiful. Vanessa edited the photos quickly and produced a set of high-key images that just took my breath away. We were shining like gods and Mac Lir was mesmerising. He’s more used to modeling like this, but I like to think he was able to relax and be so natural because it was me and the attraction between us was undeniable.   
  
We gave Vanessa all the pictures she needed and we even shot a making-of video, then we helped her pack her gear and take it to her car.   
  
She told us, smiling, that she was going to be at her studio, editing the images and that she would not be back for the night and the next day.  
  
I suddenly became aware, again, a bit too late, of what was going on. Mac Lir slipped his hand around mine and I nodded.   
  
We walked to my place, holding hands and not giving any fucks. Mac Lir admitted to me that despite his uninhibited front, he hadn’t actually done stuff with a guy. Nothing further than kissing a few co-stars in movies and series he’d been in. I matched his admission with mine. I had done even less than that. I love fucking women, OK? But he just confuses my radar like crazy and I had to know. Besides. We knew each other’s dark sides. That added a sense of unexpected intimacy to it all.   
  
Once we were at my place, he took a few moments to get ready and he emerged from the bathroom a lot later, reminding me of the first time I laid eyes on him.   
  
It was my turn in the bathroom and when I got out, I brought condoms and lube along.   
  
Mac Lir laughed at my lube being edible and banana flavoured, but I could see he was nervous.   
  
“Are you sure about this? We don’t have to do anything, you know.” I reassured him.   
  
“Yeah I’m sure. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you in that shady club.” He admitted, making my eyebrows hike up.   
  
Well then.   
  
Kissing him was heaven, as usual. I had kissed him before and I always loved how he gave himself over to the kiss. At some point I paused and went to dim the lights, also playing some music from my “Songs to Fuck To” soundtrack. Might as well go all out. Just because we’re two dudes doesn’t mean we don’t get to enjoy some atmosphere.   
  
I would have offered him a joint, or alcohol, but we agreed that we both wanted to be sober for what followed.   
  
Everything felt familiar, but exciting. We had already seen each other naked, in a sexual situation and in other settings as well. Just earlier that day, we’d been together in bed, naked. Our cocks had touched while we had posed for Vanessa. It didn’t get gayer than that. It’s the rules!  
  


I don’t think my brain will ever recover from how devastatingly hot it felt to have Mac Lir on his knees between my legs, sucking my cock. Not because I needed help getting hard, but because he wanted to give me that. And for someone who’s never done it before, holy hell was he good. He didn’t deep throat me or do any of the pervier things women usually do to me, but he scored points for enthusiasm. Also, I may or may not have developed a huge thing for having him kneel and look up at me like that, his blue-grey eyes almost dark with lust.   
  
I soon nudged him to stop and pulled him up, kissing him and telling him I was going to fuck him. It was going to take a while until I was pleased with how ready he was, so I began right away. I had to hurry, because I had underestimated how much his moans and mewls would turn me on.   
  
You know how most people, when they think of two men having sex, they imagine them fucking doggy style? I didn’t feel that was nice enough for the first time. For a quick, furious fuck, maybe. But Mac Lir obviously trusted me so I lay down behind him, lifted his leg and guided it back over my hip and entered him like that. I held him close and kissed him, going as slow as he needed to get used to the new feeling. Good thing I’d used enough lube, because I was totally not expecting how tight he was. I’m used to women being able to take my cock pretty easily, whether in their pussy or ass, but _ho-ly fuck_ was Mac Lir tight. It made me feel pretty good about my size, especially when he told me, in no veiled terms, that he loved my cock and how it felt.   
  
For someone so beautiful, Mac Lir has a filthy, filthy mouth and he consolidated that in my eyes as he kind of took over and talked me into a mind-erasing orgasm that happened way sooner than I had anticipated.

Once I pulled out and got rid of the condom, I returned to bed, realising I had looked forward to this next part the most. Mac Lir was still rock hard, but he patiently got me ready, not rushing at all and praising me every step of the way. It helped! My ego felt all happy and relaxed, along with my asshole.  
  
It was hot as hell, having Mac Lir lean over me to kiss me deeply as he pushed in. It kind of burned, but not as much as I expected and the actual sensation of his cock stretching me open was weird and new, but damn it felt good.   
  
I was hard again in no-time and soon Mac Lir was moving inside me with assured, powerful strokes. He tried a few different angles and when he first hit my prostate I thought I blacked out for a moment. It was so new and intense, my film roll ripped for a few seconds.   
  
So _that’s_ what everyone is going on about. Wow.  
  
He told me to touch myself and come for him, and I listened, managing to come almost right away from how in control his voice sounded and how hot it was to have him command me like that while pushing me closer and closer to the edge. 

He came shortly after and he let himself collapse on top of me for a few moments before he rolled off and licked my belly and chest clean. After a while, he went to dispose of the condom and bringing a damp towel to clean us both.   
  
Mac Lir then tossed the towel somewhere close and snuggled up to me, pulling a blanket on top of us and thanking me in a sleepy voice.   
  
I fell asleep smiling.   
  
In the morning, I did not feel the impulse to run out the window or kick him out.   
I got up, showered and went to buy buns and bagels. I made us breakfast and waited until Mac Lir got out of the shower too.   
  
Long story short, we had a nice breakfast, I got blown again and this time Mac Lir was braver and nearly sucked my soul out through my cock. He swallowed every last drop of my load and then he sat back on his butt, his eyes closed and smiling. Hm. Someone has a new kink, I guess?   
  
We then went to the gym together and I watched Mac Lir when he wasn’t looking. It was suspicious to me, how comfortable I felt around him even after the night before. There was no trace of my usual reflex of getting rid of the night’s entertainment. And the sunlight seemed to shine brighter when it fell on him.   
  
You don’t think…?   
  
Oh hell. 


	9. Chapter 9

You know how, sometimes when you decide to redecorate your garden and you move some rocks, bugs scurry away from underneath? This is a fair description of how my feelings work. They’re there, but buried deep and in pitch black darkness, and Mac Lir and Vanessa came along and upturned all my rocks. 

Mac Lir’s words, that he was unsure if he could still love Vanessa if she had the abortion, haunted me for a while, especially since I knew for sure I had been the cause of that pregnancy.  
  
But the very opposite was true instead. I felt all warm and fuzzy about Vanessa and wanted her to be safe and happy. I often went to hang out at her studio and watch her work, or I helped her with her gear when she went to shoot on location. After a while, I realised I had her trust and she wasn’t self-monitoring around me. Even a jackass like me could tell that is a huge thing.   
  
She was the first woman I didn’t look upon with resentment. She was the first woman I looked at without seeing my mom’s traitorous smile, which had become gruesome over the years, the more my bitterness grew.   
  
Vanessa was small and fragile next to me, she smelled really good and had kissable lips. Her tongue stuck out in concentration when she worked and she looked regal even in her work jumpsuit. 

[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/1f9f62d774b1b0608598d649c0e0e73d/tumblr_inline_oduag16fGF1qffae2_500.gif)

[Originally posted by narcissamacaulays](https://tmblr.co/ZCUICq27-A6cr)

  
Vanessa was hard and unrelenting too, defiant and crazy when she was in play mode, and I got to witness her power over Mac Lir on several occasions.   
  
With me, she just was. I guess she remembered my holding her hand at the clinic and not giving her any speeches. Funny how my ego didn’t have a problem with that and how I felt that sad moment had created a comfortable intimacy between us.

There was this perfect day that shattered the casual vibe to what we were and sealed an unexpected deal for me. Mac Lir was away, filming some mini-series in the US, so it was just Vanessa and me. I helped her with a food shoot in the morning and it ended up being harder and taking longer than she had expected, so I drove her home and drew her a bath. She undressed and got right in, beckoning me to join her and, once I did, asking me to please wash her. She was beat, I could tell, so I gently took her sponge and began to do as she had said.   
  
She turned her sound system on, playing one of those soft, compelling Cafe del Mar mixes that are designed to be soundtracks for either yoga or fucking.   
  
She didn’t let go of me while I toweled her dry and she led me by the hand to her bed. We fell among the fragrant sheets together and she told me to look into her nightstand. I did, and I took a condom from there.   
  
This time we were slow and greedy, needing to lengthen every touch as if  this was our last night on Earth. There was no kink, no dirty talk, no lewd moaning and goading.

“ _We could be strangers, we could be strangers in the night, or we could be lovers, as long as you love my body right,_ ” the voice from the track murmured in the darkness, making me smile. Usually I was slow to catch on to the plans these two made for me, but now it was clear as daylight what Vanessa wanted from me.  
  
And to be honest I wanted it too.

[](http://66.media.tumblr.com/a702364b57be62f1a2762b69992b12c7/tumblr_inline_oduag3aqWa1qffae2_500.gif)

[Originally posted by hongcha8129](https://tmblr.co/ZIKtBs1TmJo3t)

  
Towards the morning, we were still caught up in each other when we were greeted by a sparkly-eyed Mac Lir from the doorway before he went to shower.   
  
He joined us minutes later, smelling fresh and his hair slicked back and wet.   
  
Mac Lir kissed me first, then Vanessa and again that fantastic wordless communication went back and forth between them before they both focused on me.   
  
He ran his thumb over my lower lip while his elegant hand cupped my jaw lightly, and there was something so heady and territorial in that small gesture, it made a shiver of excitement rush through me and drip down into all my nerve endings in the form of pure pleasure.   
  
They both guided me onto the sheets and Vanessa rid me of the condom (it was maybe the seventh I had had on that night, I had lost count at some point), then they both went down on me. Look, I’ve had twins blowing me, yet this was still better. It was as if there had always been three of us and they had the practice, judging by the seamless way their lips slip over the length of my cock to meet at the tip and kiss over it without their mouths leaving me.   
  
I may have passed out briefly at some point, I don’t know. It was like being in a fantasy with elves and my mind was overwhelmed.  
  
Mac Lir and Vanessa also showed me there were new levels to coming that were yet to be unlocked as they both got me ready carefully and Mac Lir fucked me while Vanessa knelt behind him and had two fingers inside him, rubbing his prostate and telling him not to come yet and how to move inside me. And Mac Lir listened, his body listened to her fantastically and I was sure I was going to die the moment I came.   
  
OK so I didn’t die, only now I no longer wanted to be without these two. I don’t even know how it’s going to work out, since we can’t all three of us marry one another or something of the sorts, but we’re pretty wealthy, all three of us, so we can afford options. I always thought, growing up, that in triads there is always someone who loses, who is the “plus one” ruining the symmetry and I always feared that person would be me.

  
The realistic, cynical writer fucked it all up big time. There’s feelings, and there’s the complicated geometry of the relationship I have with Mac Lir and Vanessa.   
  
But that kid who found it easy to believe in love being available to everyone, even to assholes? He’s making a comeback.


End file.
